We achieved the full lap of the Newtown pubs yesterday. During the lap the idea of kicking celebrities in the nuts came up. This is a great idea. My main target would be Shannon Noll, but I would also like to ad David Koch from sunrise on channel 7. Who would you ad to the list?
How fast clothes dry on the washing line
How much I like warm weather
Boutique beers
Malls
Those spicy rice cracker nibbly things*
Pies**
Magpies
*You know the ones. Most of them are bown and shiny, but almost half are coloured red, green or orange. The green ones look like a crescent moon.
**Not that I forgot how delicious they are, just that I forgot how addicted to them I am when I have a chance to eat them.
I don’t want to distract from my last post so soon, but the wonderful Internet provided me with a must see. Don’t watch this at work.
I was digging around on a few of the disks I dumped my old hard drive onto and came across a bunch of posts from my old blog. I don’t really think many people used to read my old blog, but it was basically me ranting about how shit my students were. I changed all the names to things like Flossy, Scrath, Hab and Noid.
I chose to post this because it is a stark reminder of how different my current job is and how good I have it. None of the kids try to hurt me or swear at me; they don’t even swear at each other. Really, I haven’t heard a swear word (in English) at the school in four years.
Much of my time over the past couple of weeks has been taken up by the imps. One of them has completely disappeared and is rumoured to be in a different state, although this is unconfirmed.
Another of the imps whose name is Hab has been discovering the kinds of things imps discover when they are getting close to maturity. I can’t be bothered going into the sordid details because I really can’t muster up enough energy to care. But what is bothering me is his mother who I can only describe as a useless fuckwit. I really don’t care that she is a broken maternal unit, but what I do care about is the constant phone calls I receive from her. I don’t want to know what Hab is doing at home or out in the street with the denizens of the slum he lives in. I don’t want to know about how he ignores her or shouts at her. I don’t want to know anything at all about anything to do with her or Hab, unless it involves Hab’s interactions with me.
Today it seems that most of the imps took some bizarre medicine…the kind of medicine that you get from an evil doctor who doesn’t want to kill you, but wants to use you to drive all those you come into contact with mad. That kind of medicine. Flossy (one of the imps) decided that it was time to throw sticks at Scratch, because that is what you do when you are a none to bright imp filled with strange medicine.
Unfortunately for Flossy, Scratch is a really fast runner and managed to catch him and beat the living shit out of him. It was kind of funny at first because they look so stupid when they fight, but I had to break it up in case someone got really hurt. The paper work would be a hassle. Anyway I separated them, but all Scratch wanted to do was get in and insert his fist into Flossy’s brain, so I closed the door and left him outside to cool down. What I didn’t realise was that Scratch had had a double dose of the Psycho medicine and there was no way he was going to settle down.
A few minutes later one of my human colleagues reported to me that Scratch was last seen heading off down the street with a large piece of cement in his hand. We both decided that this would probably only turn out badly and so we gave chase, but discretely because he was on a main road and it wouldn’t do for us to tackle him right there with all those people around. The last thing I need is to have the authorities find out I am running an imp forced labour camp.
So we shadowed him and when he went down a side street we sprang into action. Adam came at him from the front and when he turned to run I appeared between him and the sweet freedom of the main road. It was at this point that I underestimated Scratch’s desire to escape, because as he drew back his arm to throw the piece of cement (about the size of a box of tissues) at me I thought to myself he’s bluffing. He wasn’t bluffing.
The cement flew straight at my face and I can only thank my parents for all those years of baseball as a child for the reflexes to get my hand up in time to protect myself. Upon reflection, it’s really lucky that the cement hit my watch band and scratched the shit out of it, because it would probably have broken my jaw.
I was quite stunned and in pain from the assault and so broke off from the chase, but Scratch tripped as he rounded the corner and my compatriot was able to nab him and in the process fall on top of him. We won’t be seeing Scratch anytime soon.
The icing on the cake of my day was that Pooly (the littlest imp) managed to shit himself in the back seat of my car while we were on the way to the park. I don’t get it.
If you were going out and had half an hour to get ready and write a blog post, what songs would you play on your personal fluke box?
Mine tonight are:
Top of the morn slip of the day
For reasons unknown
Berlin Chair
Mr. Brightside
Purple sneakers
Into your arms
Nervous kid
Well that was easy
I am interested to hear what you have to say. I know that there are a bunch of songs by one band on this list, but they are the best band in the world. I spent an extra minute because I decided that each song had to be off a different album, which was my only restriction.
If you think about it for too long you could go mental.
Something is missing.
This sounds way too much like a regular blog.
**edit**
A CD I can’t find Yoshi gave me almost derailed this whole process.
I am currently job hunting and sending off letters to schools around the world. Some websites are super snazzy and enhance my interest in working there, while some are kind of crap and make me wonder if I should even bother. One school has such a crappy website that I almost didn’t bother, and then they had an application process that was not only overly convoluted, but hopelessly user unfriendly.
I decided to go through with the process just so that I could complete it. the funny thing is that it is an Australian International School. When they don’t give me a job I am going to drop them an email and tell them to fire their IT department. Holy crap! I could write a better website and I am not even a fisherman.
I love the interweb because it gives me things like:
Great song and a funny clip
An addictive little flash game that I have just finished on Hard
I am off to see Mönchen Gladbach vs. Cottbus today. I’m not really much of a fan of the top league, as my team (Fortuna) is in the third league down. Anyway, if I was forced to pick a top league team to go for it would definitely be Mönchen Gladbach.
I have seen Borussia a few times before and they have the best atmosphere I have ever experienced at a live club game. I am very excited.
Hi, my name is M, but many daddies call me a Bemble of one kind or another. Mummies simply call me Sausage.
I like to eat lots of things. I like bananas, grapes, yoghurt, cookies, sultanas, peaches, pears, pineapples and cheese. I really, really like cheese. If you have cheese you should give it to me, otherwise I will have to point at it saying ‘more’ until you surrender and give it to me.
I also like Pommes, which many people call chips and some people call french fries. Anyway, here is a picture of me so that you know what I look like, so that when you see me you can give me cheese.
